Friday, March 2, 2012
#0047: Krang's Android Body
Rarely do we here at INAKA Pty Ltd tackle a toy of any real significance. Every now and then, we might throw out an item or two that whets the appetite of the avid collector, but honestly, I’m still yet to make a single risky sacrifice.
It’s for this reason that my toy chest is still filled to the brim with crap, and a lot of it is actually fairly cool crap, in my opinion. Things like a golden Charizard, and a scooter-riding Garfield dressed like Paul Hogan. Yes, I’ll get to it someday (theoretically), but it’s all about the baby steps at this point.
So then, when my dear compadre BubbaShelby made a request to lay claim to one of my toys, it opened up a whole new can of worms. We’re going bigger, badder, and brainier, ladies and gentlemen, because the next gaffer to go is Krang’s Android Body.
This entry must be read with this music playing again and again and again until you have completed reading. You cannot truly grasp the majesty of a red-panty wearing machine without some nifty SNES techno to go with it. Lay down the boogie, lingerie robot.
“BLAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!” the Zangief-esque monstrosity shrieks, as he dangles samurai Raphael in the hopes of collecting some pocket money.
Turtles toys usually came in uniform size; your standard Turtle height, with maybe a little monochrome friend amongst their arsenal of weapons and accessories. Therefore, when something like Krang’s Android Body came along, we kids sat up and took notice. Because, frankly, we needed a more daunting enemy to pit our Turtles against. Whether it was because of the bumbling nature of Bebop and Rocksteady, or Shredder’s less-than-menacing purple wardrobe, we felt as though our Turtles could handle any adversary with ease. Plus, most of the other bad guys were random creations we’d never heard of, including an insect named after an infectious disease. …Yes, I’m serious.
Then, you gave us this massive, horribly clunky BAMF, and you finally had an excuse to fling your Turtles across the room, catapulted by the mighty right boot of the beast. All the while, Krang watches on with glee, safely controlling the action from behind his shielded throne room. What a threat! What a menace! What would you tell your parents, when you had to unveil the unfortunate truth that mankind was doomed?
In case you were wondering, yes, the Krang is removable, and can operate on his own accord about as well as a legless brain can. He has an enormous hole in his rear, which I’m assuming is to make him compatible with the earlier robotic walker toy he used to get around in.
Also, curiously, Krang’s vanity is apparent within the android body, as the rear wall of his domain contains a nice shiny mirror for him to gaze lovingly into.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall… who’s the pinkest of them all?”
My particular KAB is a little bit worse for wear, with a few little marks and scratches strewn about his person, as well as every child’s worst nightmare; torn stickers. So now he’s missing a few potentially crucial bits of equipment (cords and gauges and the like) that could render him inoperable, plus, most noticeably, he’s broken his antenna.
Remember the episode of Futurama where Bender had his antenna removed? It was his manhood, dammit, his very essence as a robot. Now the unfortunate KAB is severely less masculine, plus he can no longer pick up ESPN.
The reason he’s seen so much rough and tumble is because he’s unique even beyond Turtles lore. How often do you have a great big angry skinhead toy to duel with? Every hero I owned in the early 90s was destined to throw down with the behemoth, ranging from Simba to Mighty Max to Kermit the Frog.
Unbelievably, Kermit won in an epic struggle, causing Krang and his android body to tumble down the stairs, landing with a thud and leaving a small dent in the wall that I never had the heart to confess to my parents. This should fill me with guilt right now, but instead, it makes me want to watch Muppet Babies. That Nanny, she was such a tart.
Personally, I like KAB’s little silver goggles. They’re very 80s. Plus the shoulderpads and bright red gloves. In fact, the more I dwell upon it, the more I’m beginning to believe KAB is no more than a misunderstood Michael Jackson wannabe. Poor fella.
The rest is fairly self-explanatory. He’s not terribly maneuverable; his arms and legs can do a full 360 with a great deal of labour, and for this reason, you can horrify the innocent bystanders by having Krang stop his destructive rampage to majestically do the splits.
Well, either that, or he’s excitedly chasing after the ice cream truck. It’s hard to tell with that great big poker face of his.
On that note, I was always confused by the rather inconsistent nature of the size of the android body. By most accounts, it was roughly ten feet tall, and in actuality, it very rarely engaged in combat, instead just being a means of Krang getting around the kitchen. But then, on occasion, it was as big as King Kong. I’m sure this was mostly explained by use of some mystical growth ray gun from Dimension X, but if this was the case, why not just make the entire team of villains bigger? Rocksteady might be dumb as shit, but an enormous rhinoceros is not something to be sneezed at.
We may never know exactly how big KAB was really meant to be. He’s big in our hearts, and that’s what truly matters. I’ll most certainly miss him, though I know he’s off to bigger and better things. A new country, new toys to smash, new opportunities to carelessly lose his stickers like a child loses their mittens.
Also, it took me twenty-one years to realise that his face resembles the grinning maw of a jack-o-lantern. What a magnificent fellow he is. A belated happy Halloween to you, gorgeous lingerie robot.